One of the most fascinating things about the Indian subcontinent is its caste system. The caste system is a method of organizing people into a social hierarchy based on their family history and occupation. At the top of the system are the Brahmins: religious authorities that serve as the rulers of Indian society, like priest-kings. At the bottom are the Untouchables: people who deal with garbage and other forms of human waste. The Caste System is thousands of years old and has had a profound impact in India to this day.

Although India is currently in a period of rapid industrialization and economic growth, it is still a place characterized by squalor and despair. This is, in part, a result of the Cast System. Indian society is stuck in a backward state because it does not respect the people who deal with trash and toilets. They have yet to learn that janitors are the secret lords of advanced civilizations.

Being a janitor is like being a member of an elite secret club, similar to the Templars, the Free Masons, and the Illuminati. Janitors pull the strings behind the scenes, keep everything in working order, and know the people of their respective societies better than anyone else. Janitors make decisions that impact the lives of everyone who ever needs to go to the bathroom.

But there is more to being a janitor than determining the scent and color of urinal cakes.

Janitors are privileged to the true knowledge of human nature. Archaeologists study cultures of the past based on the things they threw away. Janitors use the same technique to learn about people of the present. You can tell a lot about people by what they throw away. What they care about. What they don’t care about.

In the past few years it has become popular for activist individuals to crusade against how wasteful our society is. This is not news to the janitor. In fact, even the most informed and environmentally conscious person would be shocked to learn the true extent of our wastefulness. It is the janitor’s sacred duty to hide the scope of the crisis, in order to keep the population calm and avert panic. Just like the government officials who do everything they can to keep the imminent alien invasion under wraps. (But don’t worry about that.)

Many philosophers and great thinkers have struggled with the question, “What is a person?” Janitors know the answer, but they don’t tell anyone because they know it would offend the masses. All human beings, from prince to pauper and everyone in between, are nothing more than walking messes waiting to happen.

Many people think janitors belong to a lower caste, like the Untouchables in India. Actually, the opposite is true. All people are but children in the eyes of the janitor. Children that need to be cleaned up after.

I will probably be kicked out of the janitor’s guild, or worse, for revealing these age-old secrets. But it is no matter. The highest offices should only be held temporarily. Despite the secret power and influence of the janitor I certainly don’t want to empty trashcans and clean toilets for the rest of my life.